BYU-I Parenting Skills Takeaway #2: Discipline and How to Get it Right

 FAML 120 Takeaway #2





NO SPANKING ZONE


Disciplining children is a challenging task both mentally and emotionally. Correcting unacceptable behavior is one of the duties of a parent. We are meant to function as guides to initiate children into the world. Often when we think about punishment and discipline we feel we can be too harsh on kids but there is one truth that you should use to temper those feelings: you love your children. 

When we discipline we do it in a way that will work now but is gentler than what the world has in store for adults who act with similar, unacceptable behaviors. A child who never learns to stop hitting can get in trouble with the law. A child who never learns to control his temper or his tongue will lose job opportunities and relationships. 

For a while now, I have known this concept as Dr. Peterson's Fifth rule for a meaningful and orderly life. Rule 5. Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them. This may seem strict and limiting but the rule needs an explanation. If you are an adult and you in many ways represent your peers and society in which you live, then if you allow your children to do things that make you dislike them (not things you dislike or don't fancy personally but things that make them distasteful people to be around) then you are setting them up to be disliked by your peers and society also. You are setting them up for social failure. 

Dr. Peterson's method of disciplining is to follow British Common Law where the least amount of effective force is the option that should be chosen. Why use words when a look will subdue a troublemaker? Don't raise your voice if a calm tone would be plenty effective. Don't ground when a shorter reflection time would suffice. That principle takes effort on the side of parents to keep their emotions in check to make sure they are using the correct and restrained amount of force. 

As an additional guide, we can turn to Dr. Steinberg's 5-step discipline method.
  1. Identify the problem. What specifically was the immediate and unacceptable behavior?
  2. Discuss the impact it has on those involved. How did that specific behavior harm those involved?
  3. Discuss an alternative. What would have been a better choice to make in that scenario?
  4. Implement consequences. What will the relevant punishment be for that behavior?
  5. Explain future expectations. What do you expect your child to do from now on when presented with a similar stimulus or temptation?

Notice that these steps do not focus on your child's identity or character but rather on their behavior. Dr. Peterson's method is much the same in that regard. You do not say your child is bad but that they have done something that is bad for them and those around them. This method likewise takes thought and practice but for those who prefer a more structured, formulaic approach to responding to challenges, this will be a useful tool. If you can keep these steps in mind, you can use them as an anchor when tensions between parent and child run high. 

The goal of disciplining (and all parenting) is to help form children into successful adults. Remember that they will have a much harder time doing this if they carry habits and behaviors that are harmful to themself and others into adult society. You can trust that adult society will teach your child in much more painful ways than you would have in the home.


Citations:

Peterson, J. (2018). 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Penguin.
Steinberg, L. (2002). 10 basic principles of good parenting. Simon and Schuster.

See Also:

Spanking causes serious problems for child brain development and should be strictly avoided.


Comments

Post a Comment